It feels like an appropriate day to share a message of love; Valentine’s Day. The history of February 14th as a celebration of romantic love isn’t that old, in the grand scheme of things. In Ancient Rome there was a festival on the same date called ‘Lupercalia’, which was dedicated to purification and health. I feel like there’s a middle ground to be found between these ancient and modern holidays in Self Love. Hard to find health or a happy relationship without it.
Valentine’s Day can be uncomfortable for people who aren’t in a romantic relationship. As someone who has spent almost three years single now, I get it. Big corporations push an idea of buying their cards, flowers and chocolates in order for them to make money. Their advertising online and in stores can confront you with a social norm that not everyone fits. It can leave people questioning, ‘Why am I single?’, ‘What’s wrong with me?’ or ‘Am I not good enough?’.
Do those questions seem familiar? If so, the positive is that the fear and pain evident in this kind of self-doubt can be a trailhead. The beginning of a path that leads to somewhere incredible. If you’re lucky enough to have the right support, it’s possible that difficult moments like these can take you on a journey to the True Self. A realisation of who you really are beyond thoughts, memories, your body, or even your personality; all of which change over the course of a lifetime.
AUTHENTICITY
There is only one thing that remains constant over the course of a person’s lifetime: the witnessing presence, the True Self, the observer of life unfolding. Consciousness. If I’m in a terrible accident tomorrow, get amnesia and lose of all my memories, I don’t stop being ‘Me’. What if that accident is so bad that it causes brain damage and my personality changes? I’m still Me. If that accident also causes my body to be drastically changed by injury? Again, still Me.
So what is this ‘True Self?’ If you have ever been so focused that your mind was clear from thought (meditation, snowboarding, whatever), you have aligned with that Self. It’s the part of you that notices the thoughts creeping back in. You are not your thoughts, and it’s just as well that’s the case for most people. People think beautiful things, and horrific things, but you can watch those thoughts come and go without having to act upon them. It’s not You.
There is a deep peace associated with being in alignment with your True Self. Whether you prefer the Buddha’s teaching on enlightenment, or Jesus’ proclamation that, “The Kingdom of God is within you”, almost all world religions point to a beautiful feeling and space inside. This is often associated with a light, and that’s how I’ve experienced this space in my own visions. It’s no wonder that people who are aligned with their Authenticity seem to shine.
JOURNEYING
I feel like very few humans ever manage to permanently align with their authenticity. Perhaps the Buddha and Jesus are two of the few who did (assuming they were real, historical people). For me, it’s a continuing journey in and out of alignment. I’m now considerably further down the path and more aligned than I was over six and a half years ago. Then, I was chronically ill, obese and suicidally depressed. That was the trailhead which lead me to where I am today.
There are many ways to become more aligned to your truth. Whether you take a ‘top down’ approach of connecting to authenticity through the mind, or a ‘bottom up’ approach of reaching it through the body; there are different roads that lead to the same destination. I have spent over half a decade working from the bottom up, using breath-work, cold immersion, physical movement and more to understand my Self. Recently I’ve focused more on the mind.
Through combining what I’ve learnt from the works of Dr. Richard Schwartz, Dr. Gabor Maté, Frederick Dodson and others, I’m finally getting a better understanding of the different parts of my psyche. I’m excited to share more in my upcoming book, ‘Being The Medicine’. I can more easily witness and catch old parts of myself (subconscious programs) taking over. It’s an ongoing process and I still get lost in old patterns of behaviour, but it’s now less frequent.
UNDERSTANDING
In getting to better understand the different parts of myself, it’s been easier to find self love. In the past I’ve had suicidal thoughts, and for a long time I judged that part of myself. I can now see that the suicidal part was just trying to care for me, and end my suffering. With better understanding, it’s easier to have compassion for the parts of myself that I judged e.g. The over-eating part of myself? Just trying to soothe another wounded, lonely part, and so on.
Understanding who you really are is a big step towards creating self love, but it’s just a start. Upon realising that you are the stillness that witnesses life unfolding, it’s important to love that stillness. The best definition of love I’ve heard is, ‘time, space and attention’. There are many different ways to offer time, space and attention to the stillness beyond thought. Whether it’s meditation or an ice bath or whatever else, really be present with it. That is Self love.
Self love can be a spiritual practice of clearing the mind, but also there are also temporal practices that offer time, space and attention to the Self. Cook healthy food, do some exercise, get a hot bath and relax. Caring for yourself is an embodied way of loving your Self. The options are endless to practice self care and self love. Regardless of whether or not you have a partner to share Valentine’s Day with, I hope you find time for self love today as well.
Your Valentine,
