Have you ever struggled with depression and wondered why? For me, it’s a familiar feeling that goes back as far as I remember. I wouldn’t have had the language to describe it that way when I was a kid. I just remember being a sad, mopey child, and not knowing why. Nobody else seemed to understand either. I had everything going for me; I was a healthy, intelligent, handsome (albeit overweight) little boy. I had two parents that loved me very much, and still do to this day. They worked hard and didn’t have financial struggles. They could afford to feed me, clothe me and we’d go on summer holidays to Spain. Santa always delivered what I asked for at Christmas time.
Depression colours most my life when I look back over it. I often wondered why the hell I was so miserable, when I had so much to be thankful for. The few times I spoke up and asked about the way I felt, I was only made to feel worse about it. “What about those starving children in Africa?”. Yeah, what about them? Should I also feel guilty as well now, because their objective suffering was worse than mine? I still suffered, perhaps just as much as them in my own subjective way. My young brain hadn’t developed enough yet to deal with these complex questions. Since I couldn’t find a satisfactory answer, I learned to blame myself for being miserable. I became self-critical.
I was asking some of life’s biggest questions, so it’s no surprise that I couldn’t find the answers easily. It’s taken most of my adult life to find answers to the things I wondered as a child. It’s likely there are still many layers of complexity to strip back before uncovering the various roots of my depression. I’ll continue seeking answers, and work with those to heal the wounded parts of my self. I’ve had some huge revelations in my self-discovery from a book entitled, ‘Running on Empty’, by Dr. Jonice Webb. It’s a book I reference a lot at the beginning and end of my own book, due for relsese later this year. I wrote a poem by the same name:
Suicidal fantasies, emotional neglect.
Numbness of the void; worse than pain.
Fighting a ghost that nobody understands.
Nothing is something. Emptiness, a feeling.- Running on Empty, Scott Riley 2021
“Do you sometimes feel as if you're just going through the motions in life? Are you good at looking and acting as if you're fine, but secretly feel lonely and disconnected? Perhaps you have a fine life and are good at your work, but somehow it's just not enough to make you happy. If so, you are not alone. The world is full of people who have an innate sense that something is wrong with them. Who feel they live on the outside looking in, but have no explanation for their feeling and no way to put it into words. Who blame themselves for not being happier.” Does this resonate with you?
The above paragraph comes from Dr. Joince Webb’s, ‘Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect’. The title of the book seems like it points a finger at parents, but don’t judge a book by it’s cover. The book is often as warm and sympathetic towards the parents of people who exhibit symptoms of childhood emotional neglect, as the sufferers themselves. These parents haven’t abused their child or intentionally done something harmful, but unintentionally neglected important needs that the child had. Perhaps a lack of boundaries, attention, or other emotional needs. The book suggests this is often just a result of how the parents were raised themselves.
Simply reading the book alone was extremely healing for me. I had suffered so many of the symptoms it described throughout my entire life, and I used to feel like I was the only one. Loneliness, a lack of self discipline, low self-esteem, feeling empty inside and more. It was a relief to know that this is a well understood phenomena, and that it’s relatively common. A huge weight of my loneliness was lifted right away. Information from the book ties in nicely with what I’ve learnt from other genius authors like Dr. Richard Schwartz and Dr. Gabor Maté. I’m witnessing and healing a scared and lonely child within my psyche, who I had cut myself away from and exiled until recently.
HEALING
My current practice is to identify the many different parts of my psyche: the exile, the anger, the True Self and others, then listen to them. I want all of these parts to know that they are understood, and acknowledge they are all just trying to do their best for me. These parts are only problematic when the patterns they successfully used in the past stop serving well. Perhaps when I was younger, overeating was a way of distracting myself from a suicidal voice, but now that strategy no longer serves me well. Even the suicidal voice is just trying to protect the True Self from more pain.
I’m using meditation, Compassionate Inquiry, breath-work, Internal Family Systems and other methods to get to the deepest roots of my suffering. Finding the old loops and doing what I can to reprogram them into something that serves better now, in the present. Either I do this, or continue repeating the same pains and distresses periodically throughout life until I actually heal myself. Those who don’t learn from the past are doomed to repeat it. I’m done with repeating many of my old loops, and I’m actively listening to parts of myself that don’t often receive attention. I’m not trying to destroy these parts, but seeking to find ways for them to be more constructive.
In previous blog entries, I’ve talked about walking the path of the wounded healer. The work I’m undertaking right now is a continuation of that path. Just as I’ve learnt about the cold, breath-work and other modalities, I’m learning about consciousness and The Self on a deeper level with a similar intention. I’m healing myself, and sharing what I learn to help others do the same. Much of what I want to share will be in my upcoming book. Until then, I’ll periodically share posts like this and recommend other books that have helped me, like Running On Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb.
SYNCHRONICITY
All of the above was written three days ago. I didn’t share it across social media or use the Causeway Living mailing list to put it out there, and I wasn’t sure why at the time. I’m glad I followed my feeling (something I continue striving to do in every facet of my life; day in and day out). On the evening of the day that I’d written this post, I discovered someone very close to me was going through some serious mental health problems and disclosed their suicidal ideation. I’m very glad I didn’t share this to have that person read it the next day, and mistakenly believe it was to do with them.
It felt like a meaningful coincidence that I should be writing about the things I was confronted with, later that day. Apart from some bigger, more important things, it made me think to add these final paragraphs to this post. There are a few things that really need to be made clear when discussing the subject of depression and suicide. Perhaps most importantly of all, if you do feel suicidal and at risk of harming yourself or others; talk to someone. In the UK, it’s possible to do so 24/7 by calling 116 123. That will put you through to someone at suicide prevention charity, Samaritans.
Another thing that I wanted to add about depression, is that there can be any number of causes. I watched a lecture by a clinical psychologist who said that in his practice, many cases were due to overwhelm. A case of life circumstances becoming more complex than the person is competently able to deal with. Another cause can be a chemical imbalance in the brain, which pharmaceutical treatment can help with. Speaking to a doctor is an important step towards overcoming mental health problems. Whatever your situation, know that there is hope and I know you can do this.
Thanks for your time and attention once again,
